The Duchess’s French Holiday

So, this idiot French photographer managed to snap some grainy, blurry photos of Kate Middleton’s royal hooters. Congratulations. Based on my observations, however, the Duchess’s noble pair are, well, perfectly adequate. They’re nice. Nothing wrong there, but we’ve all seen better.

I’m sure His Highness the Duke is perfectly satisfied with his wife’s upper floors, but in the pantheon of breasts, they hardly rate the effort put forth to capture them, or the money that the magazine paid for the images. There are far superior images of more impressive mammaries all over the internet. This Frenchman has added nothing of value to our collective photographic record of the female anatomy.

This episode does prove a point. Tabloid photographers deserve to have the word “photographer” stripped from their title. All they capture are depressingly uncreative images of the famous and allegedly famous engaged in activities for which they are not famous. Seriously, Angelina Jolie is one of the most photographed women in the world. We hardly need more pictures of her, especially bad ones of the actress in yoga pants, taking the dirty diapers out the trash bin. Such images are often badly exposed, poorly framed, and out of focus. Do you idiots even know how to operate your cameras?

It depressing to think of all the first-rate camera equipment in the hands of these chimps. If some hack uses a 5D Mark III to take another goddamned photo of Kristen Stewart on the red carpet, he should have it taken away from him and donated to a deserving photography student. Tabloid “photography” doesn’t require or warrant anything more than a used Rebel and a kit lens. Those $9,000 L-series super-teles should be saved for photographing an endangered species of wildebeest on the African Savannah. At the very least, you can use them to capture a crystal-clear shot of a New England Patriots linebacker knocking Tim Tebow on his ass.

Hopefully, their highnesses realized that not every guy with a long lens is a sleazy professional stalker. To put it more succinctly: “I’m not with stupid.”